I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
