Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
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A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
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They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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