anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
