sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You're earring is so big in my mouth
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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