Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
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