Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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