The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
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She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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