You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
