My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
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Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
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There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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