I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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