I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
