Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
