When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS