I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
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i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
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My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.