I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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