she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
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On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
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I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.