turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
