remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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