i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
