just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
