So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
