And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
