He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
