I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
