I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
