I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
im calling her cock vulture from now on
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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