I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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