i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
