Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
