She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
