I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
