I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He? As in you personified your dick?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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