you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
