rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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