Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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