I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
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