When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
