Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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