my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Did I show you my penis last night?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
