I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You pole danced in your parka.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
