If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
