I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
