I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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