i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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