I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
