I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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