I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
