im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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