The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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