he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
