If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
