were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
