I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
