i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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