the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
