I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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