You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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