he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
