I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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