well I can't set my house on fire every night
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
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