I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
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